It's funny how the journey of life has so many twists and turns. How there are so many unexpected things, sometimes we can't believe what's happening in our lives, whether they be good or bad...
It feels as though these past few months have been long, hard years; my life changed almost a year ago...When I came to realize something, but what I didn't know was what this realization and acceptance would lead to. It turns out that one night, was all it took to set me on a path of self-reflection, learning, and maturing; it took me down a path I had never been before, one filled with many trials and hardships along with many moments of pure bliss and absolute joy.
As I have said before, these recent times have not always been the most pleasant, or the easiest...but thinking back, I've grown so much. The me a year ago and the me now are so different; looking back, I feel like I was so naive and that I was just a little child. I have confidence that in another year or two I'll feel like the me now still had so much growing left to do, but that's the point of life right?
Another year...gone by so fast, sometimes I find myself thinking, 'Am I really ready to leave all of this behind?' The answer to that is a yes/no one. I remember being a little kid, and saying that I wanted to marry when I was 21, and have a job, family, my own independent life; as the years fly by, I now find myself thinking I wish I had more time. The scariest part about the future is that there won't be anyone there to teach us what to do, no there to hold our hands as we go into society, to make our own mark.
And so with this new chapter about to begin, I feel that it's time to close the door. The final year of high school, the last chance to make memories as a senior, and the time to take the first step into the next chapter. It's as the saying goes, 'When one door closes, another door opens.'
And so here I say goodbye:
to all the things that used to hold me back.
to all the hurtful memories.
to all the unwanted thoughts.
to the naive thinking.
and lastly to my old self.
A new chapter is about to begin, the details yet to be decided; but with a faithful heart and belief in myself, I know everything will turn out ok.
Cecilia Ng
2011 senior/graduate
Monday, November 15, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Bright Horizon
I'm sure we've all had our times when we feel at an all time low, some feel it more than others.
Right before school started, I admit I was at a low point in my life...
Even though I knew I had all those who loved me beside me, it felt as though that wasn't going to be enough. I felt like my whole world was beginning to collapse on me, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.
While going through this I thought about possibilities as to why I could be so upset; everything in my life at that point was great, there wasn't one thing that stood out and said 'this is it, this is what's causing the emotions'.
One possible explanation was that I was just overreacting to everything.
Another explanation was that there really was nothing going on and I just wanted attention...(I highly doubt this one)
Or my emotions were really being caused by some subconscious thing in which I didn't know about.
And finally the other possibility was that I had depression...and though some believe that not to be the case, others believe it could've been.
I myself believe the depression one...otherwise, why would I be so upset for no apparent reason??
In my psychology class I've learned about 8 different perspectives explaining behavior, and after reviewing them in class, I relate to a big portion of it.
Sometimes I think that it was all in my head...like I thought I was depressed, so I acted like I was. Or I thought I should be or...just things like that (the mind is a weird thing). Main point it was all my mind, and it just had to do with my thinking; that's another way of I guess explaining my breakdown.
Yes you all read that last word right...I said 'breakdown' because I did indeed have one...in public, I just happened to hide when I was in tears. Why? Because I never want people to see me in tears because I'm emotionally unstable (I don't care if it's at like a movie or a graduation, or things like that).
But truthfully being in that state of mind...was horrible, it wasn't any fun...at all. During this period I did think about a lot of things...some good, most depressing; in one case I thought about something no one should EVER think about. I'm not going to say what that is...so don't ask. Please and Thank you.
But I would like you all to know that I am no longer in that dark hole...after a lot of thinking and talking and encouragement, I was able to bring myself to think more positively; which in turn led to be being more positive. And thanks to school I don't really have the time or energy to sit around and think about negative things, and I'm currently really enjoying my classes. They are a lot of work, and require a lot of effort to stay caught up, especially with my schedule, but I kinda like the busy environment. :)
So the current news flash on my life/emotions is that I am presently very content/comfortable with my life. My emotions are stable, in fact I've been in a very positive mood for awhile now....(well with the exception of Monday, but that was schedule crap that made me upset)and I have a feeling this happiness is going to last a while. :) As for my "depression" (whether I am partly depressed or not) I don't feel those same emotions currently, like I said before it's most likely due to my busy schedule and my attitude with everything right now. But I am very confident in myself that if I do have depression I can count on myself to snap out of it...or I guess...'heal' myself. The big lesson I've learned form this is that your emotions are definitely controlled by your thoughts (those in psychology should also know this), but it's completely true, how you think about something really affects how you feel/respond to it. So the next time you're down on something, take some time and really think over it, look at it from all different perspectives.
You are the only one who has the ability to control what you're thinking, and how you react to/view things. So take full advantage of that, it really can turn your life around and make all the difference.
Right before school started, I admit I was at a low point in my life...
Even though I knew I had all those who loved me beside me, it felt as though that wasn't going to be enough. I felt like my whole world was beginning to collapse on me, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.
While going through this I thought about possibilities as to why I could be so upset; everything in my life at that point was great, there wasn't one thing that stood out and said 'this is it, this is what's causing the emotions'.
One possible explanation was that I was just overreacting to everything.
Another explanation was that there really was nothing going on and I just wanted attention...(I highly doubt this one)
Or my emotions were really being caused by some subconscious thing in which I didn't know about.
And finally the other possibility was that I had depression...and though some believe that not to be the case, others believe it could've been.
I myself believe the depression one...otherwise, why would I be so upset for no apparent reason??
In my psychology class I've learned about 8 different perspectives explaining behavior, and after reviewing them in class, I relate to a big portion of it.
Sometimes I think that it was all in my head...like I thought I was depressed, so I acted like I was. Or I thought I should be or...just things like that (the mind is a weird thing). Main point it was all my mind, and it just had to do with my thinking; that's another way of I guess explaining my breakdown.
Yes you all read that last word right...I said 'breakdown' because I did indeed have one...in public, I just happened to hide when I was in tears. Why? Because I never want people to see me in tears because I'm emotionally unstable (I don't care if it's at like a movie or a graduation, or things like that).
But truthfully being in that state of mind...was horrible, it wasn't any fun...at all. During this period I did think about a lot of things...some good, most depressing; in one case I thought about something no one should EVER think about. I'm not going to say what that is...so don't ask. Please and Thank you.
But I would like you all to know that I am no longer in that dark hole...after a lot of thinking and talking and encouragement, I was able to bring myself to think more positively; which in turn led to be being more positive. And thanks to school I don't really have the time or energy to sit around and think about negative things, and I'm currently really enjoying my classes. They are a lot of work, and require a lot of effort to stay caught up, especially with my schedule, but I kinda like the busy environment. :)
So the current news flash on my life/emotions is that I am presently very content/comfortable with my life. My emotions are stable, in fact I've been in a very positive mood for awhile now....(well with the exception of Monday, but that was schedule crap that made me upset)and I have a feeling this happiness is going to last a while. :) As for my "depression" (whether I am partly depressed or not) I don't feel those same emotions currently, like I said before it's most likely due to my busy schedule and my attitude with everything right now. But I am very confident in myself that if I do have depression I can count on myself to snap out of it...or I guess...'heal' myself. The big lesson I've learned form this is that your emotions are definitely controlled by your thoughts (those in psychology should also know this), but it's completely true, how you think about something really affects how you feel/respond to it. So the next time you're down on something, take some time and really think over it, look at it from all different perspectives.
You are the only one who has the ability to control what you're thinking, and how you react to/view things. So take full advantage of that, it really can turn your life around and make all the difference.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Inevitable.....
Ups & Downs in life are unavoidable:
no matter the amount of experience you think you have
no matter how much you think you've prepared
no matter how well you think life is going
With every up there comes a down...just like in physics...'what goes up, must come down'...
I've come to accept this fact...but now what?
Just because you know something is always around the corner, doesn't mean you can somehow avoid it or be fully prepared to handle it.
...
Right now everything's in a haze. I can still think, but I can't seem to find the hidden answer(s) which I'm seeking. My emotions are everywhere, barely controllable in the presence of others; each day it's like I have to become a different person.
How long will it take me to figure things out this time??
I don't know.
All that I know right now is that despite everything being nearly perfect something is.....off; as if it's out of place or doesn't belong entirely...
This problem resides within me. Possibly I'm just over thinking...perhaps the choices I've been making are wrong...or are upsetting those I love...or maybe something I hold dear to my heart really is beginning to vanish...whatever it is I don't know...
I'm afraid of what's to come...and I don't mean school, jobs, etc.
I mean I'm afraid of this...of this feeling...of what this is really about; I don't know how my mind will act...I don't want to relive that experience...
It feels like I can spend an eternity simply thinking...as if there's so much to reflect upon, but there isn't. When I think it's always the same things coming into my head. Rather than thinking over/about events I find myself thinking about this feeling, I can't explain it or rather I don't know how to explain it...
Time seems to be flying by, not caring whether or not I'm ready to fly with it. As I search for the answer(s) I seek time feels as though it's slipping through my fingers; I almost wish for time to stop, while I figure out my own mind.
I want to leave...and get away from it all...
no matter the amount of experience you think you have
no matter how much you think you've prepared
no matter how well you think life is going
With every up there comes a down...just like in physics...'what goes up, must come down'...
I've come to accept this fact...but now what?
Just because you know something is always around the corner, doesn't mean you can somehow avoid it or be fully prepared to handle it.
...
Right now everything's in a haze. I can still think, but I can't seem to find the hidden answer(s) which I'm seeking. My emotions are everywhere, barely controllable in the presence of others; each day it's like I have to become a different person.
How long will it take me to figure things out this time??
I don't know.
All that I know right now is that despite everything being nearly perfect something is.....off; as if it's out of place or doesn't belong entirely...
This problem resides within me. Possibly I'm just over thinking...perhaps the choices I've been making are wrong...or are upsetting those I love...or maybe something I hold dear to my heart really is beginning to vanish...whatever it is I don't know...
I'm afraid of what's to come...and I don't mean school, jobs, etc.
I mean I'm afraid of this...of this feeling...of what this is really about; I don't know how my mind will act...I don't want to relive that experience...
It feels like I can spend an eternity simply thinking...as if there's so much to reflect upon, but there isn't. When I think it's always the same things coming into my head. Rather than thinking over/about events I find myself thinking about this feeling, I can't explain it or rather I don't know how to explain it...
Time seems to be flying by, not caring whether or not I'm ready to fly with it. As I search for the answer(s) I seek time feels as though it's slipping through my fingers; I almost wish for time to stop, while I figure out my own mind.
I want to leave...and get away from it all...
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Reflection...
Through out the day, I experience many, many different emotions/feelings. It's a mix of good and bad, but the important thing in life (as I always say) is to be happy and positive, and just you know, forgive all the wrongs done to you and the hurt dealt to you...
I feel that in life I've grown so much in the past 7 years...it's absolutely crazy when I think about it! I went from being the outcast of the 'popular' crowd to being part of a group of absolutely AMAZING people; I went from someone who thought that appearances were everything to someone who doesn't even wear makeup unless it's a special occasion; I used to be someone who was so self-centered and only cared about what everyone thought of me to now being someone who could care less what judgmental people think; I was the type of person who would go along with anything my friends wanted, even if I didn't feel comfortable, to now standing my ground, and voicing my opinion.
Saying all of these things about how I was and who I used to be isn't to impress anyone, or anything like that for the matter. It's just a fact that I've changed so much, and it's all thanks to the friends I have and everyone that's been involved in my past, regardless of what role they played...
Some people might think that I'm really 'wise', and in truth yeah I guess in some ways I am...but it's not because I'm Asian (haha I just had to put that in) but it's because of all the experiences I've been through, and what I've seen in life. Most people 'see' different people, and the different types of 'groups' out there and only get to 'experience' (themselves) one group.
I have had the pleasure/blessing/luck/ability/chance (whatever you wish to call it) of both experiencing AND seeing different groups and different people. And I truly do feel blessed to have been able to have that chance, because of that I have learn to accept so much more, and to have my eyes opened to a wider spectrum of things. I love being in a minority, I love being of another ethnicity. And I really do enjoy being able to weave in between the lines, like I can be a Dance Co. member, and still be a nerd/geek who's in orchestra and gets good grades, yet I can still be someone who isn't just known for having brains. I love telling guys that I am a gamer and that I love sports, but at the same time I can still get all dolled up and look like a girly girl.
I've just grown so much in life, and am so thankful for everything that I have now.
So back to the whole being 'wise' thing...I think it's just a matter of learning in life, and applying what you've learned. These past few months have definitely been a roller coaster, and I've learned so much from them. I feel that recently I've been able to really learn about myself and how to express my emotions and control them. Recently I experienced a not so pleasant event and was upset about it, and instead of covering it up and saving it for later, I just took time right after the event to pause and think and reflect over everything. And I took about 10-15 minutes to sit and just really think to myself, didn't talk to anyone or anything, to let myself be upset for that window of time. And when that time came to an end, it was time to just let the event go...and not trying to sound all 'macho' or anything, but it was hard even for me to just 'let it go'. But when thinking about these things, it's better to think on behalf of everyone in your life, if you stayed upset, that's not going to help your friends at all...and so sometimes you just have to get yourself to do things for your friends, because you love them.
So yes, wisdom comes from experience, but people who are truly wise know to take that knowledge and to use/apply it in life. Just simply learning something isn't enough, that doesn't make a difference, but actually applying it and really taking it to heart to make yourself a better person is part of life.
See every hardship as an opportunity to learn.
I feel that in life I've grown so much in the past 7 years...it's absolutely crazy when I think about it! I went from being the outcast of the 'popular' crowd to being part of a group of absolutely AMAZING people; I went from someone who thought that appearances were everything to someone who doesn't even wear makeup unless it's a special occasion; I used to be someone who was so self-centered and only cared about what everyone thought of me to now being someone who could care less what judgmental people think; I was the type of person who would go along with anything my friends wanted, even if I didn't feel comfortable, to now standing my ground, and voicing my opinion.
Saying all of these things about how I was and who I used to be isn't to impress anyone, or anything like that for the matter. It's just a fact that I've changed so much, and it's all thanks to the friends I have and everyone that's been involved in my past, regardless of what role they played...
Some people might think that I'm really 'wise', and in truth yeah I guess in some ways I am...but it's not because I'm Asian (haha I just had to put that in) but it's because of all the experiences I've been through, and what I've seen in life. Most people 'see' different people, and the different types of 'groups' out there and only get to 'experience' (themselves) one group.
I have had the pleasure/blessing/luck/ability/chance (whatever you wish to call it) of both experiencing AND seeing different groups and different people. And I truly do feel blessed to have been able to have that chance, because of that I have learn to accept so much more, and to have my eyes opened to a wider spectrum of things. I love being in a minority, I love being of another ethnicity. And I really do enjoy being able to weave in between the lines, like I can be a Dance Co. member, and still be a nerd/geek who's in orchestra and gets good grades, yet I can still be someone who isn't just known for having brains. I love telling guys that I am a gamer and that I love sports, but at the same time I can still get all dolled up and look like a girly girl.
I've just grown so much in life, and am so thankful for everything that I have now.
So back to the whole being 'wise' thing...I think it's just a matter of learning in life, and applying what you've learned. These past few months have definitely been a roller coaster, and I've learned so much from them. I feel that recently I've been able to really learn about myself and how to express my emotions and control them. Recently I experienced a not so pleasant event and was upset about it, and instead of covering it up and saving it for later, I just took time right after the event to pause and think and reflect over everything. And I took about 10-15 minutes to sit and just really think to myself, didn't talk to anyone or anything, to let myself be upset for that window of time. And when that time came to an end, it was time to just let the event go...and not trying to sound all 'macho' or anything, but it was hard even for me to just 'let it go'. But when thinking about these things, it's better to think on behalf of everyone in your life, if you stayed upset, that's not going to help your friends at all...and so sometimes you just have to get yourself to do things for your friends, because you love them.
So yes, wisdom comes from experience, but people who are truly wise know to take that knowledge and to use/apply it in life. Just simply learning something isn't enough, that doesn't make a difference, but actually applying it and really taking it to heart to make yourself a better person is part of life.
See every hardship as an opportunity to learn.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Falling Tears....Locked Away
Have you ever had times when you just want to hide away in a corner and cry??....I have. Tonight is one of those nights...I don't know why I feel the way I do, nor do I understand it, all I know is that the tears keep coming, slowly trickling down, falling onto whatever may be there to catch them...
To no end.
Despite how hard I fight to keep them in, it is to no avail...
I can't explain this feeling...it's as if deep down my heart is grieving...but over what I do not know. I fold my knees to my chest and think, trying to find the reason behind it all...nothing, my mind is simply blank, but the feeling remains...
Why is this feeling here?
Why won't the tears stop?
Why is it that I don't know why I feel this way?
Some may be surprised after reading this...
Because they've never seen/known me like this...
And they never will.
Some may be asking 'why?' while others may think they understand...
Truth be told, revealing this side of me has never even once crossed my mind...
I can't let anyone see me in this state...I will fight with all that I have to keep it from emerging.
It is a fight I can never lose...
For those of you who oppose that I do this...I ask that you please don't.
Please let me be selfish...
Please let me keep my emotions and tears to myself...
Please trust me...
Please trust me to ask for help when I need it; to know when to share my feelings with others...
Please don't worry...
Please don't worry about/because of me...
Please act...
Please act like nothing is wrong, even if you know other wise...
I do not know when this feeling will leave me...nor when it will return, but I know that I will be okay because I know that I am surrounded by people who love me; and their love will always be the light within the darkness. With everyone's love and support, I know I will never lose my way...
That is why this will always be locked away...in the deepest chambers of my heart...
because no matter how deep I fall, or how far into the darkness I go, there will always be light...
To no end.
Despite how hard I fight to keep them in, it is to no avail...
I can't explain this feeling...it's as if deep down my heart is grieving...but over what I do not know. I fold my knees to my chest and think, trying to find the reason behind it all...nothing, my mind is simply blank, but the feeling remains...
Why is this feeling here?
Why won't the tears stop?
Why is it that I don't know why I feel this way?
Some may be surprised after reading this...
Because they've never seen/known me like this...
And they never will.
Some may be asking 'why?' while others may think they understand...
Truth be told, revealing this side of me has never even once crossed my mind...
I can't let anyone see me in this state...I will fight with all that I have to keep it from emerging.
It is a fight I can never lose...
For those of you who oppose that I do this...I ask that you please don't.
Please let me be selfish...
Please let me keep my emotions and tears to myself...
Please trust me...
Please trust me to ask for help when I need it; to know when to share my feelings with others...
Please don't worry...
Please don't worry about/because of me...
Please act...
Please act like nothing is wrong, even if you know other wise...
I do not know when this feeling will leave me...nor when it will return, but I know that I will be okay because I know that I am surrounded by people who love me; and their love will always be the light within the darkness. With everyone's love and support, I know I will never lose my way...
That is why this will always be locked away...in the deepest chambers of my heart...
because no matter how deep I fall, or how far into the darkness I go, there will always be light...
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Forward;Obscure....Backward;Impossble....Present;Tangible
Forward = Future
Do any of us know what the future has in store for us?...No. The fact that we don't know how our lives will develop in years to come can be a little scary-even overwhelming at times. Each of us has goals now that we are either working towards achieving or hoping to achieve in the future...again we don't know whether these goals will be accomplished or not. The future is shrouded in a veil of mystery...constantly altering due to choices we make now, people we meet, goals that we establish, etc.
And when we aren't able to control something or comprehend it, we develop a sense of anxiety/wariness...given it is only natural. Nothing is more irrepressible (uncontrollable) than the future...it's a fact- how can you control what hasn't happened? Exactly...you can't.
But what you can do is always remember who you are, never compromise your morals or alter your personality for something you feel isn't right. Yes, by doing so won't allow you to choose how your future will unfold, but it will give you the courage to take each step into the unknown...knowing that no matter what is to come, you'll never loose yourself in the midst of it all. But you don't have to plunge into the unfamiliar alone...your friends will be there right next to you. Sometimes you'll need to rely on them to endure through hardships, and other times they'll need you by their side; either way the journey doesn't have to be a solo one...
Backward = Past
Have you ever wished that you could just go back in time and relive a certain day, week, event, etc.? Well what has that done for you? Absolutely nothing. No matter what our past held, whether it be memories full of bliss or memories full of disappointment, we can't do anything about it now. But just because we can't alter it in anyway doesn't mean it can't affect us today...sometimes the past can make a smile emerge and a warmness fill our bodies...but the past can be a double sided blade...not all memories are ones to be fond of...some can unlock a door to pain/misery bringing tears to our eyes and once again causing a past wound to bleed.
If you find yourself welling up, let the tears roll down or find a way to release your emotions like running, working out, whatever works for you. The only thing not to do is hold it all in...even if you feel like you don't want to let anything out, bottling it up in the end is worse. Over time everything you've bottled up will pile up, and eventually it will find a way out...but before it does your mind will be in a state of frantic confusion. Mentally and emotionally you'll be hurting and become exhausted...I know this because I've experienced it. No one should ever, ever be in that state, it's the worst place anyone could ever possibly be...
Present = Now
With each new day we can decide what choices we'll make and what we'll do...so why not take that to the full advantage? No two days will present the same opportunities, so take advantage of what each day gives you...after all there's no day like the present. As you tackle life day by day the important thing is to figure out what you want in life...what you're really looking for, what type of person you are, etc. As you encounter new challenges you'll learn and grow from each experience, and it's important to always keep in mind what you've learned from them.
A good trick to living life is to be optimistic, although it's not always easy. Staying positive will not only make each day seem more enjoyable, but it will make the problems in life seem simpler; not to mention you'll help to make others' lives more pleasant as well. If you find yourself having a hard time at the moment, or just whenever, don't be afraid to confide in a friend; they're always willing to help. But if you don't feel just quite ready to let someone else in on some of your personal issues, writing in a journal helps get it off your chest as well; allowing someone to see you in a weak state isn't the easiest thing to do...a good way to start is to make sure that you feel comfortable talking with someone, don't force yourself to open your doors to anyone; also let them in little by little, you don't have to open up all at once...
Explanation:
Future: Don't be afraid of what's to come...you won't be traveling solo; always remember who you are and keep a strong hold of it, don't compromise yourself for anything.
Past: Don't dwell on things...if a memory makes you happy/unhappy express your emotions(remember don't bottle up!); just look back on your past and accept it, know that without it you wouldn't be where you are today.
Present: Your present will become your past and determine your future...don't forget this; the present is the only thing you can control, so make good choices so that your past may be one full of bliss and your future will be one to look forward to.
Do any of us know what the future has in store for us?...No. The fact that we don't know how our lives will develop in years to come can be a little scary-even overwhelming at times. Each of us has goals now that we are either working towards achieving or hoping to achieve in the future...again we don't know whether these goals will be accomplished or not. The future is shrouded in a veil of mystery...constantly altering due to choices we make now, people we meet, goals that we establish, etc.
And when we aren't able to control something or comprehend it, we develop a sense of anxiety/wariness...given it is only natural. Nothing is more irrepressible (uncontrollable) than the future...it's a fact- how can you control what hasn't happened? Exactly...you can't.
But what you can do is always remember who you are, never compromise your morals or alter your personality for something you feel isn't right. Yes, by doing so won't allow you to choose how your future will unfold, but it will give you the courage to take each step into the unknown...knowing that no matter what is to come, you'll never loose yourself in the midst of it all. But you don't have to plunge into the unfamiliar alone...your friends will be there right next to you. Sometimes you'll need to rely on them to endure through hardships, and other times they'll need you by their side; either way the journey doesn't have to be a solo one...
Backward = Past
Have you ever wished that you could just go back in time and relive a certain day, week, event, etc.? Well what has that done for you? Absolutely nothing. No matter what our past held, whether it be memories full of bliss or memories full of disappointment, we can't do anything about it now. But just because we can't alter it in anyway doesn't mean it can't affect us today...sometimes the past can make a smile emerge and a warmness fill our bodies...but the past can be a double sided blade...not all memories are ones to be fond of...some can unlock a door to pain/misery bringing tears to our eyes and once again causing a past wound to bleed.
If you find yourself welling up, let the tears roll down or find a way to release your emotions like running, working out, whatever works for you. The only thing not to do is hold it all in...even if you feel like you don't want to let anything out, bottling it up in the end is worse. Over time everything you've bottled up will pile up, and eventually it will find a way out...but before it does your mind will be in a state of frantic confusion. Mentally and emotionally you'll be hurting and become exhausted...I know this because I've experienced it. No one should ever, ever be in that state, it's the worst place anyone could ever possibly be...
Present = Now
With each new day we can decide what choices we'll make and what we'll do...so why not take that to the full advantage? No two days will present the same opportunities, so take advantage of what each day gives you...after all there's no day like the present. As you tackle life day by day the important thing is to figure out what you want in life...what you're really looking for, what type of person you are, etc. As you encounter new challenges you'll learn and grow from each experience, and it's important to always keep in mind what you've learned from them.
A good trick to living life is to be optimistic, although it's not always easy. Staying positive will not only make each day seem more enjoyable, but it will make the problems in life seem simpler; not to mention you'll help to make others' lives more pleasant as well. If you find yourself having a hard time at the moment, or just whenever, don't be afraid to confide in a friend; they're always willing to help. But if you don't feel just quite ready to let someone else in on some of your personal issues, writing in a journal helps get it off your chest as well; allowing someone to see you in a weak state isn't the easiest thing to do...a good way to start is to make sure that you feel comfortable talking with someone, don't force yourself to open your doors to anyone; also let them in little by little, you don't have to open up all at once...
Explanation:
Future: Don't be afraid of what's to come...you won't be traveling solo; always remember who you are and keep a strong hold of it, don't compromise yourself for anything.
Past: Don't dwell on things...if a memory makes you happy/unhappy express your emotions(remember don't bottle up!); just look back on your past and accept it, know that without it you wouldn't be where you are today.
Present: Your present will become your past and determine your future...don't forget this; the present is the only thing you can control, so make good choices so that your past may be one full of bliss and your future will be one to look forward to.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Life's Bliss...
Everyone has something they should be thankful for.
Take a minute and just think over everything in your life...everything/anything that has made your life better.
Never ever take any of these things for granted...when you think about each little thing on it's own, it may seem small and insignificant. But when all the little things add up...it gives you the happiness in life, and the wonderful things that are apart of it.
Its like a picture, made up of a wide spectrum of colors, each one on it's own is just another color, but when put together you can create a masterpiece. While living life everyone is creating their own masterpieces; adding which ever colors they so please, using different amounts of color, etc. And just like snowflakes, no two peoples' paintings will be the same...why? Because no two people live the exact same life, they don't experience the same things, learn the same lessons; they may undergo a few of the same things, or things similar to one another, but they will never truly be the same.
Despite the ups and downs of life, I can't help but feel content...happy for everything I have. Because in my mind, all the unhappy, negative things in my past are in the past, there's nothing that I can do now to change any of that; and besides without that same past, I wouldn't be the person I am today. And all the joyful, wondrous things that have happened to me far outweigh the unpleasantness that I've gone through...
Being optimistic in life is a good thing; by being positive, you not only make your own life full of bliss, but you help to make other peoples' lives shine as well. To me that's just another thing to be thankful/grateful for...the fact that you yourself have the ability to affect someone's life in that way; to actually be able to add to it, and make it a more beautiful thing.
So never, ever, ever take anything for granted, don't undermine the value of something. Don't do anything that you know you'll one day regret in life, don't taint your memories...instead make them into recollections you'll cherish, smiling every time you think back on them.
Life is a thing of beauty itself, full of so many different aspects, yet they all come together in such a magnificent harmony...leaving behind Bliss.
Take a minute and just think over everything in your life...everything/anything that has made your life better.
Never ever take any of these things for granted...when you think about each little thing on it's own, it may seem small and insignificant. But when all the little things add up...it gives you the happiness in life, and the wonderful things that are apart of it.
Its like a picture, made up of a wide spectrum of colors, each one on it's own is just another color, but when put together you can create a masterpiece. While living life everyone is creating their own masterpieces; adding which ever colors they so please, using different amounts of color, etc. And just like snowflakes, no two peoples' paintings will be the same...why? Because no two people live the exact same life, they don't experience the same things, learn the same lessons; they may undergo a few of the same things, or things similar to one another, but they will never truly be the same.
Despite the ups and downs of life, I can't help but feel content...happy for everything I have. Because in my mind, all the unhappy, negative things in my past are in the past, there's nothing that I can do now to change any of that; and besides without that same past, I wouldn't be the person I am today. And all the joyful, wondrous things that have happened to me far outweigh the unpleasantness that I've gone through...
Being optimistic in life is a good thing; by being positive, you not only make your own life full of bliss, but you help to make other peoples' lives shine as well. To me that's just another thing to be thankful/grateful for...the fact that you yourself have the ability to affect someone's life in that way; to actually be able to add to it, and make it a more beautiful thing.
So never, ever, ever take anything for granted, don't undermine the value of something. Don't do anything that you know you'll one day regret in life, don't taint your memories...instead make them into recollections you'll cherish, smiling every time you think back on them.
Life is a thing of beauty itself, full of so many different aspects, yet they all come together in such a magnificent harmony...leaving behind Bliss.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Pushing the Limits
We're all bound by some type of limitation...
whether it be on how flexible you are, how tall you'll grow, etc.
Limits are not all frozen in place, most can be stretched, depending on how far you yourself are willing to push that boundary.
The perfect example is when you're working out, despite the pain you push through because you know that in order to grow stronger you must first endure the pain...the drive that encourages you onward is your own determination to reach your own goal...a fairly easy limitation to expand (confused? Think of expanding your limitation, on working out, to be building up how hard/how many reps you can do...like 5 push-ups to 10, 15, 20 etc.)
A harder limitation to expand is...fears. By definition the word means:
1. Feeling of Anxiety
an unpleasant feeling of anxiety or apprehension caused by the presence or anticipation of danger
2.Frightening Thought
an idea, thought, or other entity that causes feelings of fear
But thinking about it, fear is actually just a limitation of/on the mind.
*I'm sure by now we've all admitted that things that happen in the mind are not always the easiest things to deal with*
Some people have fears of bugs, darkness, tight/confined spaces, heights, deep water, there is an infinite amount of fears out there in the world. A number of people will eventually conquer their fears by facing them head on...pretty much the only way to truly overcome a fear.
Overcoming a mental fear can be harder than anything else...especially if in the past something has happened to make you develop that fear. Even though you may receive plenty of encouragement from friends reassuring you, and in some part of your brain you think 'Ok...all I have to do is try...'; you still can't bring yourself to do it. A way to picture it would be to imagine a large rock that you have spent so much time and effort (along with others helping) to push up to the top of a hill, and instead of rolling it over the hill and letting gravity take it the rest of the way, you just release it, and let it fall back down...all your hard work and effort wasted for nothing...a bit of a let down no?
Thinking about it, it makes complete sense to say, 'oh well that's easy, you just have to get yourself to do it.'....but thinking about it when it's not happening to you, doesn't do you much good. Because when you're put on the spot of facing one of your greatest fears, it's a whole different story; when your mind and feelings come into play, it is one of the hardest barriers to push through. Not impossible, but it isn't easy either...those who have succeeded in leaving their fears behind deserve respect.
We all put our limits to the test, sometimes we return unsuccessful in broadening our boundaries, but when we are successful there isn't a more satisfying feeling in the world; when you realize what you've just accomplished, and that sense of pride fills your body...it places you on cloud nine, and you feel like a super hero.
Friends can help you in testing and expanding your limits, but what it really comes down to is yourself. You're the one that decides whether to keep going or just give in...a strong will and a fierce determination can help you to accomplish anything. It's up to you to build up such a mindset and use it when you're tackling not only your own limits, but other aspects of life as well.
whether it be on how flexible you are, how tall you'll grow, etc.
Limits are not all frozen in place, most can be stretched, depending on how far you yourself are willing to push that boundary.
The perfect example is when you're working out, despite the pain you push through because you know that in order to grow stronger you must first endure the pain...the drive that encourages you onward is your own determination to reach your own goal...a fairly easy limitation to expand (confused? Think of expanding your limitation, on working out, to be building up how hard/how many reps you can do...like 5 push-ups to 10, 15, 20 etc.)
A harder limitation to expand is...fears. By definition the word means:
1. Feeling of Anxiety
an unpleasant feeling of anxiety or apprehension caused by the presence or anticipation of danger
2.Frightening Thought
an idea, thought, or other entity that causes feelings of fear
But thinking about it, fear is actually just a limitation of/on the mind.
*I'm sure by now we've all admitted that things that happen in the mind are not always the easiest things to deal with*
Some people have fears of bugs, darkness, tight/confined spaces, heights, deep water, there is an infinite amount of fears out there in the world. A number of people will eventually conquer their fears by facing them head on...pretty much the only way to truly overcome a fear.
Overcoming a mental fear can be harder than anything else...especially if in the past something has happened to make you develop that fear. Even though you may receive plenty of encouragement from friends reassuring you, and in some part of your brain you think 'Ok...all I have to do is try...'; you still can't bring yourself to do it. A way to picture it would be to imagine a large rock that you have spent so much time and effort (along with others helping) to push up to the top of a hill, and instead of rolling it over the hill and letting gravity take it the rest of the way, you just release it, and let it fall back down...all your hard work and effort wasted for nothing...a bit of a let down no?
Thinking about it, it makes complete sense to say, 'oh well that's easy, you just have to get yourself to do it.'....but thinking about it when it's not happening to you, doesn't do you much good. Because when you're put on the spot of facing one of your greatest fears, it's a whole different story; when your mind and feelings come into play, it is one of the hardest barriers to push through. Not impossible, but it isn't easy either...those who have succeeded in leaving their fears behind deserve respect.
We all put our limits to the test, sometimes we return unsuccessful in broadening our boundaries, but when we are successful there isn't a more satisfying feeling in the world; when you realize what you've just accomplished, and that sense of pride fills your body...it places you on cloud nine, and you feel like a super hero.
Friends can help you in testing and expanding your limits, but what it really comes down to is yourself. You're the one that decides whether to keep going or just give in...a strong will and a fierce determination can help you to accomplish anything. It's up to you to build up such a mindset and use it when you're tackling not only your own limits, but other aspects of life as well.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Jealousy......Forgive and Forget?
What is the point of the emotion known as jealousy??
By definition the word means:
1. Envious - feeling bitter and unhappy because of another's advantages, possessions, or luck
2. Suspicious of rivals - feeling suspicious about a rival's or competitor's influence, especially in regard to a loved one
We're all capable of owning/possessing the emotion, it's only natural right?...
Feeling that sense of envy, unhappiness, unfairness, sting in your heart/mind is in no way wrong; but with everything, there is a point to where it becomes out of hand.
Your emotions not only affect you, but those around you as well.
So when you allow your emotions to hurt/negatively affect those that love and care for you...it's time to take a step back to think things through in your mind.
Friends are people who:
you can confide in
give support
provide advice
offer a shoulder to cry on
make you laugh
show you a good time
will always be at your side in times of need
They aren't there to be used...
You can't just assume that because they're your friend, you have the right to weigh them down with your negative emotions...
If your going through a rough/hard time friends will always be there with open arms ready and waiting to help...but to me there exists a boundary in which to what extent to share your emotions.
Let's take a side step and evaluate my mind...
(this is MY mind, so in no way am I saying that I'm the righteous one, or the one who is always the victim...NO this is just how my mind is)
In my mind, every little detail is thought/pondered upon, it's just how my mind works; and I'm the type of person who is very independent meaning I don't like to 'burden/worry' others with my own problems - because I feel that they are my own problems, and it's my responsibility to control/take care of them; examining every single thing in my mind results to over thinking...a lot, which in some cases has turned out negatively. But another result of excess scrutiny is that for the majority of the time I am able to work things out by myself, without having to involve other people...in the cases which I have expressed my thoughts/feelings towards something, it is when it's the absolute last resort...I've only come to this twice in my life, both cases being recently. I've also found people who I can confide pretty much anything/everything with, which makes sharing my thoughts a little easier.
Okay, enough of the Cc mind evaluation...
I just feel that when you continue to harbor negative emotions inside you, eventually it will affect those around you, and yourself in harmful/unhelpful ways.
I myself know the feeling of jealousy, and continue to experience it at times...but I've come to the understanding that if I'm constantly dwelling on interactions with other people then I myself am not going to be able to enjoy my time with others.
Because I have decided for myself that the time I spend with the ones I love is more important than anything else, in the future I don't want to think back and have the only memories I have be the ones of other people enjoying their time while I'm sulking by myself. So despite still having jealousy popping up every once and a while, I cast it aside, and make the time I spend with people the best it can be...and so far it's been working, really well(I haven't been doing it all that long) but it does show.
So right now in my mind, there aren't any negative feelings towards anyone, there may be some...frustration, but no hateful/vengeful thoughts at all.
When I say frustration I mean I don't understand why some people choose to dwell and to harbor those emotions that hurt them...I mean just letting go of it all will not only help those around them, but themselves as well.
Why wouldn't someone choose to be happy?
Given time those emotions form a pessimistic cloud around the bearer which anyone can feel, making others not want to even try anymore to help.
It just frustrates me, even more so when those negative emotions are shared with others, afflicting them with unnecessary stress.
On more than one occasion negative feelings have been directed at me...I will admit sometimes those feelings are shared...
But after everything that's gone on lately, I've learned so much, one thing being to:
Forgive and Forget
It does no one good to hold grudges, or to keep a tight grasp on past things...and although it is hard to completely forgive someone or to forget unhappy experiences, just trying is the first step, and with a little time, it is possible...
In one case, of my own, it took me 5 years to completely 'forgive and forget'....those 5 years were in no way easy, I had a lot of ups and downs, majorly downs, but I still pulled through, and I have to say....when I first really let go of it all, I felt so good, and just so light...it really is amazing how some things can weigh you down so much, and you wouldn't even know until it's all been released. Now thinking back if I had known all that I know now, it wouldn''t have taken me 5 years to let go of everything.
And so I guess the moral(s) is/are...
You choose how things affect you, but you also choose how you affect other people.
Holding a grudge may be the easiest thing to do, but it doesn't help you or other people in anyway; forgiving may be the hardest thing to do, but doing so will make you and those around you so much happier(don't take the easy way out).
Letting go of something isn't always what we want to do, but sometimes we have to be mature/sensitive enough to know when it's the right thing to do.
By definition the word means:
1. Envious - feeling bitter and unhappy because of another's advantages, possessions, or luck
2. Suspicious of rivals - feeling suspicious about a rival's or competitor's influence, especially in regard to a loved one
We're all capable of owning/possessing the emotion, it's only natural right?...
Feeling that sense of envy, unhappiness, unfairness, sting in your heart/mind is in no way wrong; but with everything, there is a point to where it becomes out of hand.
Your emotions not only affect you, but those around you as well.
So when you allow your emotions to hurt/negatively affect those that love and care for you...it's time to take a step back to think things through in your mind.
Friends are people who:
you can confide in
give support
provide advice
offer a shoulder to cry on
make you laugh
show you a good time
will always be at your side in times of need
They aren't there to be used...
You can't just assume that because they're your friend, you have the right to weigh them down with your negative emotions...
If your going through a rough/hard time friends will always be there with open arms ready and waiting to help...but to me there exists a boundary in which to what extent to share your emotions.
Let's take a side step and evaluate my mind...
(this is MY mind, so in no way am I saying that I'm the righteous one, or the one who is always the victim...NO this is just how my mind is)
In my mind, every little detail is thought/pondered upon, it's just how my mind works; and I'm the type of person who is very independent meaning I don't like to 'burden/worry' others with my own problems - because I feel that they are my own problems, and it's my responsibility to control/take care of them; examining every single thing in my mind results to over thinking...a lot, which in some cases has turned out negatively. But another result of excess scrutiny is that for the majority of the time I am able to work things out by myself, without having to involve other people...in the cases which I have expressed my thoughts/feelings towards something, it is when it's the absolute last resort...I've only come to this twice in my life, both cases being recently. I've also found people who I can confide pretty much anything/everything with, which makes sharing my thoughts a little easier.
Okay, enough of the Cc mind evaluation...
I just feel that when you continue to harbor negative emotions inside you, eventually it will affect those around you, and yourself in harmful/unhelpful ways.
I myself know the feeling of jealousy, and continue to experience it at times...but I've come to the understanding that if I'm constantly dwelling on interactions with other people then I myself am not going to be able to enjoy my time with others.
Because I have decided for myself that the time I spend with the ones I love is more important than anything else, in the future I don't want to think back and have the only memories I have be the ones of other people enjoying their time while I'm sulking by myself. So despite still having jealousy popping up every once and a while, I cast it aside, and make the time I spend with people the best it can be...and so far it's been working, really well(I haven't been doing it all that long) but it does show.
So right now in my mind, there aren't any negative feelings towards anyone, there may be some...frustration, but no hateful/vengeful thoughts at all.
When I say frustration I mean I don't understand why some people choose to dwell and to harbor those emotions that hurt them...I mean just letting go of it all will not only help those around them, but themselves as well.
Why wouldn't someone choose to be happy?
Given time those emotions form a pessimistic cloud around the bearer which anyone can feel, making others not want to even try anymore to help.
It just frustrates me, even more so when those negative emotions are shared with others, afflicting them with unnecessary stress.
On more than one occasion negative feelings have been directed at me...I will admit sometimes those feelings are shared...
But after everything that's gone on lately, I've learned so much, one thing being to:
Forgive and Forget
It does no one good to hold grudges, or to keep a tight grasp on past things...and although it is hard to completely forgive someone or to forget unhappy experiences, just trying is the first step, and with a little time, it is possible...
In one case, of my own, it took me 5 years to completely 'forgive and forget'....those 5 years were in no way easy, I had a lot of ups and downs, majorly downs, but I still pulled through, and I have to say....when I first really let go of it all, I felt so good, and just so light...it really is amazing how some things can weigh you down so much, and you wouldn't even know until it's all been released. Now thinking back if I had known all that I know now, it wouldn''t have taken me 5 years to let go of everything.
And so I guess the moral(s) is/are...
You choose how things affect you, but you also choose how you affect other people.
Holding a grudge may be the easiest thing to do, but it doesn't help you or other people in anyway; forgiving may be the hardest thing to do, but doing so will make you and those around you so much happier(don't take the easy way out).
Letting go of something isn't always what we want to do, but sometimes we have to be mature/sensitive enough to know when it's the right thing to do.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Peace; Serenity......Tranquility
It's crazy to think of how simple some answers can be.
When everything in your mind is a clutter; crazed and hectic it can be hard to see things for what they really are...
Sometimes it just takes one simple thought/memory/picture to jolt everything back into sense.
Causing such a fuss; worrying those that knew what was happening underneath it all...
now it seems so silly. That's right, not stupid or dumb or retarded or anything- just simply...silly.
Before: When everything was still in a haze, I felt stupid and ridiculous for allowing those thoughts into my head...
After: The reason I felt so upset and angry with myself was probably because subconsciously I knew the solution was a simple one-one that I should have seen earlier.
Previously stated: now it seems so silly
Meaning: I don't feel negative feelings/thoughts for what happened, rather it seems a little humorous that the search for such a simple solution took me on such a long and dreary path...
After thoughts:
This whole...'episode' has given me a new outlook on things-the solution is the new outlook-on life.
Once again having peace in my mind-this time without it having to be numb or have amnesia-is such a nice feeling...it's like a reset button was pushed.
Once again serenity has returned to me...maybe not in all aspects of my life, but in the places that truly matter.
Once again my mind belongs to me; no longer to lingering thoughts; no longer subject to the action of others...tranquility now resides within; within my mind, my thoughts, my heart, my actions...ME.
Live for the moments~
Peace: 1-a state of mental calm and serenity, with no anxiety 2-freedom from conflict or disagreement among people or groups of people
Serenity: 1-without worry, stress, or disturbance 2-bright and without clouds; clutter
Tranquility: 1-free of any disturbance or commotion 2-free from or showing no signs of anxiety or agitation
When everything in your mind is a clutter; crazed and hectic it can be hard to see things for what they really are...
Sometimes it just takes one simple thought/memory/picture to jolt everything back into sense.
Causing such a fuss; worrying those that knew what was happening underneath it all...
now it seems so silly. That's right, not stupid or dumb or retarded or anything- just simply...silly.
Before: When everything was still in a haze, I felt stupid and ridiculous for allowing those thoughts into my head...
After: The reason I felt so upset and angry with myself was probably because subconsciously I knew the solution was a simple one-one that I should have seen earlier.
Previously stated: now it seems so silly
Meaning: I don't feel negative feelings/thoughts for what happened, rather it seems a little humorous that the search for such a simple solution took me on such a long and dreary path...
After thoughts:
This whole...'episode' has given me a new outlook on things-the solution is the new outlook-on life.
Once again having peace in my mind-this time without it having to be numb or have amnesia-is such a nice feeling...it's like a reset button was pushed.
Once again serenity has returned to me...maybe not in all aspects of my life, but in the places that truly matter.
Once again my mind belongs to me; no longer to lingering thoughts; no longer subject to the action of others...tranquility now resides within; within my mind, my thoughts, my heart, my actions...ME.
"Find what truly matters to you in life...and once you find those things, never let anything destroy them, or tarnish their meaning.
Live not by the actions of others~
Live not for the act of pleasing others~
Live not to win~
...
Live by your own actions and doings~
Live for the act of sharing your own pleasure/happiness~
Live to help those you truly love to reach the finish line with you~
...
Live for the moments...
The moments that make you smile upon remembrance~
The moments you know you'll cherish forever~
The moments which can never be tainted by anything~
The moments of pure love and joy~"
-by me
Live for the moments~
Peace: 1-a state of mental calm and serenity, with no anxiety 2-freedom from conflict or disagreement among people or groups of people
Serenity: 1-without worry, stress, or disturbance 2-bright and without clouds; clutter
Tranquility: 1-free of any disturbance or commotion 2-free from or showing no signs of anxiety or agitation
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Reply in reply: Thoughts
The words I've read I've heard before,
and although I do agree...
at this point I'm much too tired to really fight.
I've been fighting for so long now-I can't even remember when things all started-
hiding everything, forcing it back in desperate hopes of keeping it from surfacing.
It's as if I've been treading in deep water for hours, and now I'm beginning to weaken.
I feel like a small child complaining endlessly over a simple problem...
I feel like running away, backing into a corner, and staying there.
Just when I thought things were beginning to turn around,
a rush hits my head as my mind is free to once again relive those memories...
What was the key that unlocked my resting mind?
The mind oblivious to all the things that caused it pain.
Why was this time of peacefulness interrupted?
and although I do agree...
at this point I'm much too tired to really fight.
I've been fighting for so long now-I can't even remember when things all started-
hiding everything, forcing it back in desperate hopes of keeping it from surfacing.
It's as if I've been treading in deep water for hours, and now I'm beginning to weaken.
I feel like a small child complaining endlessly over a simple problem...
I feel like running away, backing into a corner, and staying there.
Just when I thought things were beginning to turn around,
a rush hits my head as my mind is free to once again relive those memories...
What was the key that unlocked my resting mind?
The mind oblivious to all the things that caused it pain.
Why was this time of peacefulness interrupted?
MInd over Matter
Just because you don't think about something doesn't mean it disappears...
Just because you tell yourself not to dwell on things doesn't mean your mind will listen...
Just because you try not to let things bother you doesn't mean they won't...
Just because you act happy doesn't make everything ok...
Just because you want something doesn't mean you are going to obtain it...
Just because you have something doesn't mean you are going to keep it...
Just because you do your absolute best doesn't mean it's enough...
Just because you make others believe you are ok doesn't mean they all believe you...
Just because you have fallen before doesn't mean the next fall won't hurt...
Just because you previously failed doesn't mean you can't succeed again...
There are so many opposites in life,
and so many things we cannot hope to control.
How we choose to handle the emotions in our lives
varies with each individual.
We all learn to cope and grow
as we tackle life's different challenges.
But for me...
Despite having grown stronger and knowing the things I know...
I've come face to face with a new challenge...
one that I can't help but feel I'm losing.
Just because you tell yourself not to dwell on things doesn't mean your mind will listen...
Just because you try not to let things bother you doesn't mean they won't...
Just because you act happy doesn't make everything ok...
Just because you want something doesn't mean you are going to obtain it...
Just because you have something doesn't mean you are going to keep it...
Just because you do your absolute best doesn't mean it's enough...
Just because you make others believe you are ok doesn't mean they all believe you...
Just because you have fallen before doesn't mean the next fall won't hurt...
Just because you previously failed doesn't mean you can't succeed again...
There are so many opposites in life,
and so many things we cannot hope to control.
How we choose to handle the emotions in our lives
varies with each individual.
We all learn to cope and grow
as we tackle life's different challenges.
But for me...
Despite having grown stronger and knowing the things I know...
I've come face to face with a new challenge...
one that I can't help but feel I'm losing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)